Letting go of the past: you don’t have to carry it all
An old argument, a decision you regret, something you wish had turned out differently. Letting go of the past doesn’t mean deciding it was all fine. It means finding a way to give it less room in your life now. A look at why we hold on, what letting go actually involves and how to begin putting down some of that weight.
ANXIETY & OVERTHINKING
Emma Sobey
11/1/20266 min read
Letting go of the past: you don’t have to carry it all
The conversation has been over for months. You can still make a convincing case for what you should have said.
Perhaps it’s a decision rather than a conversation. A relationship you stayed in, an opportunity you turned down, or a time you trusted someone who gave you good reason to regret it.
You know you cannot change what happened. Knowing that doesn’t necessarily stop you returning to it.
There’s usually no shortage of advice. Move on. Leave it behind. Let it go. All delivered as though you’ve been carrying an unnecessarily heavy bag and simply failed to notice that it has handles.
But letting go of the past is rarely as straightforward as deciding you’ve had enough of thinking about it. Sometimes we’re waiting for an explanation. Sometimes we want an apology. Sometimes we’re still trying to find a version of events in which things turn out differently.
The question is how much of your life now you want that unfinished business to occupy.
What does letting go of the past actually mean?
“Letting go” can sound suspiciously like being told to stop caring.
If someone hurt you, it may feel as though moving forward would minimise what they did. If you made a mistake, you might worry that being kinder to yourself would mean avoiding responsibility.
Neither is a requirement.
You can recognise that something was unfair and decide how you want to live now. You can take responsibility for a mistake, make whatever repair is possible and allow yourself a life beyond it.
Letting go of the past can mean changing your relationship with what happened. The memory may remain, but it no longer has to organise your day.
You might still feel sad about a relationship ending while becoming interested in new people. You might regret a decision while making better use of the choices available to you now.
There is room for both.
The explanation that never quite arrives
One of the difficulties with unresolved experiences is the feeling that there must be something else to understand.
Why did they behave like that? Did they mean what they said? How did you miss the signs?
Some reflection can be useful. You may recognise a boundary you need, understand your own reaction or decide what you would do differently.
But repeated thinking can reach a point where it produces very little new information. You revisit the same details and finish with the same questions, only more tired.
This kind of repetitive dwelling is often described as rumination. If that pattern feels familiar, our article on how to stop overthinking looks more closely at the difference between useful reflection and going round in circles.
A useful question to ask yourself is:
What am I hoping another hour of thinking will give me?
An answer might be possible. But if what you need is another person’s honesty, a different ending or knowledge you couldn’t have had at the time, further analysis may be unable to provide it.
That is a difficult limit to accept. It is also a reason to give yourself a break.
You can keep the lesson without keeping the punishment
Regret can tell us something worth knowing.
Perhaps you ignored your own discomfort. Perhaps you said something unkind. Perhaps you made a decision too quickly, or waited so long that the decision was effectively made for you.
You may have something to learn or put right.
The difficulty comes when a specific mistake becomes a permanent judgement about who you are.
“I handled that badly” becomes “I ruin everything.”
“I trusted the wrong person” becomes “I can’t trust my own judgement.”
These statements carry very different implications. One describes an experience you can examine. The other makes a sweeping claim about your future.
The NHS guidance on reframing unhelpful thoughts recommends examining the evidence for a thought and considering other reasonable interpretations. The aim is a more balanced perspective, rather than forcing yourself to feel positive. NHS
You might ask what you genuinely knew at the time, what was within your control and what you would say to a friend in the same position.
Hindsight is exceptionally confident. It has the considerable advantage of knowing what happened next.
Letting go doesn’t require an apology or forgiveness
An apology can matter enormously. Having someone acknowledge the harm they caused may provide something you have wanted for a long time.
But some people never apologise. Others offer an explanation that leaves you with more questions than you started with.
Waiting for a particular response can leave your next chapter dependent on someone who may be unwilling or unable to give it.
You are allowed to decide what happens next without their agreement.
That might involve maintaining a boundary, reducing contact or accepting that a relationship cannot offer what you hoped it would. It might mean no longer checking whether the other person appears to have understood.
Forgiveness is a personal choice. Letting go of the past does not oblige you to reconcile, restore trust or make yourself available to be hurt again.
You can move towards a fuller life while remaining clear about what was unacceptable.
A practical place to begin
The instruction to “move on” is rather large. An ordinary action is often easier to work with.
Choose one experience that keeps returning and consider these three questions.
Is there something I can usefully do now?
There may be an apology you want to make, a practical matter to resolve or a boundary to communicate.
Be specific. “Sort out my past” gives you nowhere to start. “Write to arrange the return of my belongings” gives you an action.
The NHS guidance on tackling your worries distinguishes between problems you can act on and concerns beyond your control. Where action is possible, it suggests making a concrete plan. NHS
What am I still asking the past to provide?
You might be hoping to feel completely certain that you made the right decision. Perhaps you want proof that you mattered, or reassurance that the same thing will never happen again.
Naming that wish can make the difficulty clearer.
You may discover that you’ve been trying to obtain something the available facts cannot establish. Recognising this won’t necessarily remove the feeling, but it can help you understand why the mental search keeps going.
What deserves some of my attention today?
Choose something small and real: a conversation with someone you enjoy, a meal you want to cook, a task that improves your surroundings or an activity you have neglected.
You don’t have to feel completely resolved before taking part in your own life.
Letting go of the past may begin with giving the present a little more room.
A returning memory is not a failed attempt
You can have a good week and then hear a song, see a photograph or receive a message that brings everything back.
It is tempting to treat that moment as evidence that you haven’t made any progress.
But remembering something is different from spending the rest of the day examining it.
You might notice the feeling, acknowledge why it has appeared and choose what you need next. Sometimes that will be a conversation. Sometimes it will be a few quiet minutes. Sometimes you’ll continue with what you were doing, even with the feeling still there.
Progress can be quite ordinary: less time lost to the same argument, fewer checks of an old message thread, or more evenings spent thinking about something else.
If those thoughts become particularly persistent at bedtime, how to switch off emotionally at night offers ways to leave unfinished matters until another day.
Some experiences need more support
Bereavement, trauma and ongoing mistreatment deserve more care than a casual instruction to let go.
Grieving someone does not mean you need to stop loving or remembering them. If harm is continuing, practical safety and support may matter more than changing how you think about it.
If memories or distress are regularly affecting your sleep, relationships or ability to manage everyday life, consider speaking with a qualified professional. You do not need to work through everything alone.
For those interested in working with A Brave New Mind, hypnotherapy sessions can also take place online. You can get in touch to discuss what you’re looking for.
You’re allowed to put something down before it feels finished
There may never be a completely satisfying account of what happened.
You may continue to wish you had acted differently. Someone else may continue to believe they did nothing wrong. A chapter of your life may end without the conversation you wanted.
Letting go of the past can involve accepting that incompleteness while choosing where your attention goes next.
You can remember what you learned. Keep the boundary. Make the repair that is yours to make.
And gradually allow other things to become important again.
Listen to Letting Go
Letting Go, a hypnotherapy recording by Emma Sobey from A Brave New Mind, offers time to pause and listen as you make space for moving forward.
Find somewhere comfortable where you can rest without needing to attend to anything else. There is no requirement to reach a particular emotional outcome or settle every question in one sitting.
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